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[Retsu was tired.

No. That wasn't true. Retsu was utterly, bone-wearily exhausted.

It has been a week since Aizen fell. One of the worst weeks Retsu ever remembered in her long, long life. Yamamoto-soutaichou had fallen, along with three other captains, and several others were still in critical condition. She was one of the only people still capable of leading, yet she was also desperately needed in the healing ward.

She wasn't sure anymore how many days it had been since she slept. Shinigami were capable of going much longer without sleep than ordinary souls or mortals, but she was still reaching her limit. She glanced around and leaned against a doorpost for a moment, closing her eyes before she went into Jyuushiko's room.

It had taken all Retsu's considerable skill to save Jyuushiko. The blond arrancar had put a hole right through her chest, and there had been complications...Retsu still wasn't sure how fully her friend would recover. And Kyouraku Shunsui was still in critical condition in the room across the hall.

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, passing through the kido barrier and going to Jyuushiko's bedside to see how she was doing.]

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[Rukia pulled out the chair mechanically and sat down by the bed.]

[After sitting silently, for a moment, trying to think of something to make her lieutenant feel better, and only drawing empty platitudes that she didn't believe and that she knew Rukia wouldn't want to hear.]

Rukia... [No honorific, this time - this conversation should be between friends, not just squadmates.] I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't be there, that we didn't end this mess a century ago. [So many times, she's wanted to kick herself for dismissing Shunsui's distrust of Aizen all those years ago.]

[dully] We could not have known what he was up to, and you were needed where you were, taichou.

[It was her fault. Her fault Nii-sama was dead. If she'd been faster at realizing that arrancar wasn't really Kaien, if she'd been better when she fought Yammy...

She always ended up killing the people she cared about.]

[She shifts, sitting up a little more so she can reach out and touch Rukia's shoulder.]

I'm still sorry.

[She shakes her head wordlessly, and for a moment she almost loses her composure, and the harsh misery and guilt on her face.]

I...should have...

[That brief second of pain is reflected on Jyuushiko's face as well - the losses themselves are bad enough. To see them destroy her second like that is almost more than she can handle. But she's the older one, she's weathered losses - and Rukia needs someone to be strong for her right now.

She shifts forward a little more, wincing as the motion pulls at half-healed muscles, but finally she's close enough to get an arm around Rukia's shoulder, pulling her a little closer in a half-embrace.]

Our lives have a lot of 'should haves'. Particularly right now.

[For a moment, she almost lets herself relax into the hug her captain offers, but then she just stiffens and closes herself off as if slamming a door. She doesn't pull away, but she doesn't really accept the hug, either.]

[Jyuushiko doesn't release her, even after she stiffens, just rubs the back of her shoulder lightly. After a moment of silence, she speaks quietly, voice muffled somewhat by the oxygen mask.]

It's alright to let yourself grieve, Rukia.

[To grieve was to admit he was gone, to admit that she was all alone again, that she had lost the one person who was really her family, who she was just beginning to understand. To grieve was to dishonor him, because Byakuya would have wanted her to be stoic in public, and do her grieving in private, as he had.

She was silent, nearly motionless, though she was tense as a wire.]

[After a moment, she releases Rukia, pulls back to see can see her lieutenant's face, totally closed and cold. Her forehead creases in a worried frown.]

Don't close yourself off, Rukia...

[She bowed her head slightly in response, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. She couldn't bear to be in the room much longer. She didn't deserve her captain's comfort.] I should be returning to the squad, taichou.

Do you have any requests for when I next visit?

[She sighs, her shoulders slumping. She had tried, but it wasn't enough.]

Give me an update on how the squad is holding together - that's all.

[A frown, as she realizes something is missing.]

Where's your badge?

I will bring a full report tomorrow.

[She drops her eyes and looks evasive.] I lost it in Hueco Mundo. I have not yet had time to replace it.

[Which was true, but...it was hard to bring herself to put in a request at all, the way she felt.]

You should do so - I know it's not a big thing, but - I need you to lead Thirteenth while I can't.

[She squares her shoulders, pushing the pain of her brother's death even more tightly inside and locking it away. Her captain is right. She still has duty--and surely her brother would say that it was most important to keep fulfilling her duty?] Yes, taichou.

[A nod] And if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here.

Yes, Ma'am.

[She leaves, her posture almost as stiff as Byakuya's.]

---------------

[Retsu comes back in and busies herself checking on Jyuushiko--but also being there if her friend needs to talk.]

[With Rukia gone, Jyuushiko lets go of some of her control, and her upset at the meeting is more obvious. It hurts to see Rukia so broken again, and to not be able to do anything.]

[She puts her hand gently on Jyuushiko's shoulder.] I am sorry, Jyuushiko-san.

[She sighs softly and shakes her head a little] No, it's...alright. She's been through a lot - it would be foolish to think it'd be easy for her to deal with.

She was there, when he died. She had already defeated an arrancar and fought another, but they were attacked by the most powerful Espanda--and she was already injured.

[She nods, and then sighs] I think...time will do a lot of the healing, there...

That's always the way of it, I'm afraid.

Unfortunately. It's hard, not to be able to do anything.

I know. [Being helpless has always been particularly hard for her best friend.]