(no subject)

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[Retsu was tired.

No. That wasn't true. Retsu was utterly, bone-wearily exhausted.

It has been a week since Aizen fell. One of the worst weeks Retsu ever remembered in her long, long life. Yamamoto-soutaichou had fallen, along with three other captains, and several others were still in critical condition. She was one of the only people still capable of leading, yet she was also desperately needed in the healing ward.

She wasn't sure anymore how many days it had been since she slept. Shinigami were capable of going much longer without sleep than ordinary souls or mortals, but she was still reaching her limit. She glanced around and leaned against a doorpost for a moment, closing her eyes before she went into Jyuushiko's room.

It had taken all Retsu's considerable skill to save Jyuushiko. The blond arrancar had put a hole right through her chest, and there had been complications...Retsu still wasn't sure how fully her friend would recover. And Kyouraku Shunsui was still in critical condition in the room across the hall.

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, passing through the kido barrier and going to Jyuushiko's bedside to see how she was doing.]

Comments

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

Yes, Ma'am.

I'm just...worried about Kyouraku-taichou.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[A small nod]

I am, too. I trust Unohana-taichou's expertise, though.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

Yes--though I'd be happier if we could see him at least.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[Another nod of agreement]

I know the risk is too great but it's still...frustrating. [among other frustrating things in her life right now.]

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[nod, and then she changes the subject] Things are still chaotic, but Unohana-taichou has been holding the Gotei 13 together despite everything.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[A small smile] She's always been good at taking charge. Has the most experience out of us at it, too.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

I suppose she does. I don't know what we'd do without her.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

Ah, I'm sure you'd manage! [there's a certain amount of false optimism in her voice - she knows full well that without one of the senior captains able to handle things, it would be utter chaos]

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[She gave Ukitake a steady look and adjusts her glasses.] If we had lost anyone else...I don't think we could have recovered, Ukitake-taichou.

Nonetheless, as it is, we will all do our best.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[Her expression falls just a little, the false cheer vanishing some. Pointless to try putting on a face for Nanao, at least right now. Despite her young age, the woman had always been sharp.]

I know. I will do what I can - though unfortunately that's not much, right now.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

Getting better is the most important thing you can do right now, Ma'am--and Kyouraku-taichou, too.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[A small smile.]

I'll do my best. And...you'll likely be allowed to see him before I will.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

If I am, I'll give him your regards.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Nanao-san. I'd appreciate that.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[Nanao stayed a bit longer to pass on a few details, but then she left. After Retsu checked on Jyuushiko one more time, she turned to send Rukia in, squeezing her friend's shoulder sympathetically on the way out.]

----------

[Rukia came into the room silently. She wasn't wearing her fukutaichou badge, and she was drawn and pale with dark circles under her eyes. She looked as though she hadn't slept in days. Her expression was closely guarded, as good a poker face as Byakuya ever produced.

In sum, she looked eerily as she had in the wake of Kaien's death.]

Taichou.

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[It /hurt/ to see Rukia looking so utterly broken once again, deep inside, and she wished desperately that she could do something to ease that hurt - but she knew time would have to do most of that healing. She forced a smile for her fukutaichou, and gestured for her to pull up one of the chairs by the bed.]

Rukia-san.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[Rukia pulled out the chair mechanically and sat down by the bed.]

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[After sitting silently, for a moment, trying to think of something to make her lieutenant feel better, and only drawing empty platitudes that she didn't believe and that she knew Rukia wouldn't want to hear.]

Rukia... [No honorific, this time - this conversation should be between friends, not just squadmates.] I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't be there, that we didn't end this mess a century ago. [So many times, she's wanted to kick herself for dismissing Shunsui's distrust of Aizen all those years ago.]

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[dully] We could not have known what he was up to, and you were needed where you were, taichou.

[It was her fault. Her fault Nii-sama was dead. If she'd been faster at realizing that arrancar wasn't really Kaien, if she'd been better when she fought Yammy...

She always ended up killing the people she cared about.]

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[She shifts, sitting up a little more so she can reach out and touch Rukia's shoulder.]

I'm still sorry.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[She shakes her head wordlessly, and for a moment she almost loses her composure, and the harsh misery and guilt on her face.]

I...should have...

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[That brief second of pain is reflected on Jyuushiko's face as well - the losses themselves are bad enough. To see them destroy her second like that is almost more than she can handle. But she's the older one, she's weathered losses - and Rukia needs someone to be strong for her right now.

She shifts forward a little more, wincing as the motion pulls at half-healed muscles, but finally she's close enough to get an arm around Rukia's shoulder, pulling her a little closer in a half-embrace.]

Our lives have a lot of 'should haves'. Particularly right now.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[For a moment, she almost lets herself relax into the hug her captain offers, but then she just stiffens and closes herself off as if slamming a door. She doesn't pull away, but she doesn't really accept the hug, either.]

[toppedbyfishies.livejournal.com]

[Jyuushiko doesn't release her, even after she stiffens, just rubs the back of her shoulder lightly. After a moment of silence, she speaks quietly, voice muffled somewhat by the oxygen mask.]

It's alright to let yourself grieve, Rukia.

[mantarayhealer.livejournal.com]

[To grieve was to admit he was gone, to admit that she was all alone again, that she had lost the one person who was really her family, who she was just beginning to understand. To grieve was to dishonor him, because Byakuya would have wanted her to be stoic in public, and do her grieving in private, as he had.

She was silent, nearly motionless, though she was tense as a wire.]