pocketsfullof | (no subject)

(no subject)

It's rare that there's any sort of real privacy in Liminal Space, so when it decides to temporarily become a maze of run-down hotel corridors with rooms to match, Toshi actually feels almost cheerful for once. The rooms look clean, too, if old and careworn. There's a bland painting of a vase of flowers over the bed, although Toshi had to draw the curtains on the one window, because the almost cartoonish landscape outside with a purple sun and sky blue trees was making him feel motion sick. His jacket is already draped over the one chair in the room, and once the 'outside' is dealt with, he undoes the tie and shirt, too, leaving them on one edge of the bed. The lines of accumulated scars, new and old, are a pale web against his tanner skin. He's lucky - he doesn't scar badly, and he caught the worst of that explosion all those years ago with the arm shielding his face rather than his face itself.

Still, his line of work, past and present - it leaves marks. The newest is the clean line across his right bicep, still pinkish-red despite the magical healing, though he knows it will fade. The oldest is an almost-invisible patch of paler skin on one elbow, care of a sidewalk and childhood. Others, perhaps, were more obvious. His left shoulder was the worst of it, and probably always would be - a patchwork of surgical scars, skin grafts, and shrapnel pockmarks. The latter speckled his chest and face, too, though not nearly as badly. Then there were the ones he didn't like dwelling on - the thin, clean lines of the precise incisions he'd woken up with on Mobeius.

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Time alone is something to cherish, and Souji is grateful for it, even if, on another level, he remains somewhat hesitant. Not because of Hijikata--of that choice, he is confident--but because this is still so new, something else his old life had left him utterly unprepared for.

He takes his time unbuttoning his shirt and then folding it neatly to be set aside. His own scars are pale things, seemingly etched into his skin in fine, precise lines, lacking any of the randomness that came with a normal childhood. These are clinical, telling their own story to someone observant enough. Only one stands out, rough and pink in a line down his sternum, as though someone had split it apart to peer inside and then crudely sewn him back together. A constant reminder of something he refuses to remember.

He finishes putting his shirt aside and turns back to Hijikata, smiling despite his own uncertainty.

Toshi took a seat on the edge of the bed, wishing a little shamefully that he'd had a drink or two. As if that would make any of this any less awkward. He'd gone home with near-strangers more easily than he felt facing someone he'd known for years. But - he had to try, if they were going to make anything of this. He beckoned Souji forward, a small crooked smile revealing some of his insecurity.

"Come here."

He tried to convey a confidence he did not actually feel as he approached Hijikata. He didn't want to give the older man the impression that he was having doubts, or didn't want to be there. He did, he just didn't know exactly how to act on that. Which meant he was just going to have to trust Hijikata to take the lead this time. He reached out as he drew close, letting his hand lightly brush the older man's unscarred shoulder.

This stage was a little more familiar to Toshi, though he felt wary of pushing Souji to places he was uncomfortable with simply because he thought it was what he should do. He reached up to put his right hand at the small of Souji's back, and gently guide him closer, so they could sit face-to-face.

It's easy enough to follow that direction, settling in facing the other man. "You don't have to worry," he commented preemptively, because he knew Hijikata, and knew he probably was.

"I'll try not to," Toshi replied, voice tinged with amusement. "But if you want to stop - we stop." Still - despite his nerves, he didn't want to stop, not yet. He reached up to gently cup Souji's cheek with his right hand - pure habit there, because the touch of obvious cyberware tended to jerk people not used to it out of the mood - and leaned in to kiss him. It was firm, though not prolonged - enough to make his point without words, though.

He leaned into that kiss, brief as it was, and could feel himself blush, despite himself.

"I know." And it was good to have that reassurance, though he hoped he wouldn't have to rely on it. He just wanted to be normal for once, to not be held back by the inadequacies of his past.

The blush was... more adorable than it really should be, Toshi thought, but combined with Souji's eagerness, it eased some of his worries.

"Good."

He shifted his hand, tracing the curve of Souji's neck lightly, and letting it come to rest on his shoulder. As he did, he leaned in for another kiss, this one longer than the first.

It was, he thought, utterly ridiculous how a simple touch like that could make his heart thump the way it did. He let his own hand rest on Hijikata's shoulder as he kissed him back, although here, there was no pretending he had more experience than he really did, certainly far less than Hijikata was likely used to.

Every new partner was something of a learning experience - even if it was only for a single night, usually. Souji wasn't as experienced as most of them, but there was something to be said for the power of anticipation. That, and the knowledge that this was likely not just a single occurrence. He pulled away for a moment, but only so he could move to press another kiss where Souji's shoulder met his neck.

Souji tilted his head a little and tightened his grip on Hijikata's shoulder. It was still strange, letting someone this close to him. For most of his life, touch had been something clinical, devoid of feeling or meaning beyond its most utilitarian purposes. This was completely the opposite, intimacy without any other purpose.

That reaction was good. Probably. With Souji it was always hard to say for sure, but he wasn't pushing away, and that was positive. Carefully, he used just a little bit of teeth on the same spot, to see what sort of reaction it'd get.

For a split second, all his brain perceived was threat, though better logic overrode that almost immediately. It wasn't fast enough to keep him from tensing up, though, or from subsequently causing his face to flush with embarrassment over it.

He stopped the nibbles as soon as he felt Souji tense up. In someone else, that reaction would probably be pleasure, but with Souji - he couldn't be sure, and he didn't want to push things too far. It was easy enough to just press a kiss there again instead.

He took a breath and made himself relax again. He wanted to apologize, but didn't want to make Hijikata think he didn't want this, either. He wanted to move forward instead of dwelling on what he couldn't fix about himself.

He let the hand that had been on Hijikata's shoulder slide downward, fingertips mapping the contours of skin and muscle and bone until he comes to the scar on his upper arm. That, he traces with the pad of his thumb, as though he could erase that mistake.

The light touch felt good, and he hummed appreciatively against Souji's neck. The fresh scar felt... odd. There was pressure, but no real sensation when Souji moved his fingers right over the fresh tissue. Still, it didn't feel bad - and it was good that Souji was taking some initiative, so he wasn't going to stop him.

Souji took that hum as a sign to continue what he was doing, letting his fingers map and learn, easing him into new territory.

Much more tentatively, his other hand moved to trace the more complex scars on Hijikata's other shoulder, more of a mystery to him, from a time before he'd known Hijikata. But he was careful, knowing it was a touchy subject, not wanting to ruin things by daring too much.

Edited 2014-06-19 02:02 (UTC)

Toshi was starting to relax and feel slightly less self-concious about all what was happening. He wasn't sure if he was going to leave a mark on Souji's neck, even with the attention he was paying to the same spot, but it didn't really matter. Maybe it would be less awkward afterwards if he didn't, really.

When Souji's hand came up to touch the web of old scars on his other shoulder, he tensed involuntarily, and then forced himself to relax again. With the damage there, it was a mess of spots of hypersensitivity and numbness, and most of his partners were strangers, who didn't risk something that might be emotionally volatile. He wasn't used to it, but it didn't hurt - it was just unfamiliar.

The way Hijikata tensed up was reassuring, in a way. Not because it was the reaction he'd been aiming for, but because it made him feel a little better about his earlier lapse.

When Hijikata relaxed again, and didn't give any indication that he should stop, Souji took it as permission to continue. They were so different from his own scars, and he could trace the trajectory of them back, from heavy scaring to lighter marks scattering back along his chest.

Now that he was expecting it, Souji's touch across his shoulder didn't feel quite so strange. Almost soothing, really - and it was sort of nice that Souji wasn't afraid to touch the scars, wasn't walking on eggshells over it. He pulled away from Souji's neck, and shifted the hand on his shoulder so he could reach and run his fingers down the line of Souji's back. He brushed a few loose strands of hair away from Souji's face with his other hand, careful to not let the colder metal touch warm skin.

The fingers trailing down his back caused him to shiver, but not in a bad way, sending a tingling sensation running the length of his spine. He hadn't thought he'd be quite so sensitive to that sort of thing, but then, he'd never really been in this position before.

The hand he had been trailing along Hijikata's shoulder came to gently capture his left hand, so he could press his cheek against the cool metal of his palm. Hijikata was always so careful about touching him with that hand, as though it might bother him, but to Souji it was just another piece of who he was, nothing to be self-conscious about.

Toshi paused, surprise at what Souji had done written clearly on his face. It wasn't the first time someone touched his cyber during a moment of intimacy, but it was rare - the type he usually ended up with viewed visible cyber like his as something to be politely ignored. And for one night? He was perfectly fine with that.

He realized he'd stopped, and gave Souji a quick, tiny smile before resuming mapping Souji's back with his fingertips. He didn't pull his other hand away, either, but he didn't move it, either - he knew that it was easy to push too hard, even now that he was well-used to the decreased sensitivity.

The obvious surprise on Hijikata's face almost made him feel sad, in a way. Had no one else ever bothered to treat him as though this were normal, which, so far as Souji was concerned, it was. More obvious, perhaps, than all his own cyberware, but nothing more than that.

But then he found himself not wanting to think about other people having been here in his place, and thankful that the touch along his own back was a distraction from that thought.

He turned his hand so he could lace his fingers with Hijikata's before smiling and leaning in for a kiss.

Toshi gave his clasped hand a little, careful squeeze. The way Souji wasn't simply ignoring that part of him made him feel... vulnerable, perhaps. Awkward. Not quite uncomfortable, but it was something that was going to take some getting used to.

A kiss, on the other hand, was something he knew what to do with. He leaned in to meet Souji, making this one firmer and deeper than the last

It didn't really even occur to Souji to ignore it, though that might have been the 'polite' thing to do. They'd known each other for far too long for that, and Hijikata was accepting of so many of his own flaws, that to do anything other than accept him as he was would have seemed wrong.

He made a pleased little noise at the kiss, letting himself get wrapped up in how good it made him feel, despite his own concerns about not quite managing to measure up.